My sister died in March of 2020. She never knew what Covid was, she missed the birth of her first grandchild, (and subsequent 2nd and 3rd). She was the family glue so it’s been a struggle to figure out the new roles everyone has in the family setting. Last night, for the first time since she passed, I dreamed of her. The kind of dream where you wake up looking around, thinking it was real and looking for that person.
In my dream, I was walking around my front yard. Not the yard or house I have now, but a strange brick bungalow surrounded by trees with a cracked paved driveway and no garage. I was hiding behind my car from some people who were walking through the neighborhood, ringing doorbells and trying to sell something. I don’t know what they were trying to sell exactly, but in my dream, I knew it had something to do with God, or Christ, or some higher form of Deity. I crouched down low, and snuck along the side of the house, through the wooden gate and into the back yard. I now started crawling along in the grass, reached the back concrete steps leading up to a small concrete patio and the sliding glass door. My first thought was, I know I can’t get inside because the door is locked. But when I looked up through the glass into the house, there she was. My little sister, sitting in a chair at the dining room table and smiling out at me. She had her shoulder length blonde hair, bangs and beautiful smile. She was wearing jeans, a dark pink shirt and white sweater.
My first thought when I saw her was, “please open the door” but as I ran up the stairs the door seemed to disappear. My sister stood up, and I reached out to grab her, wondering in that moment if I would be able to feel her. She reached out her arms and I grabbed the sides of them, looked into her smiling eyes and said “we need you here, please come back, we miss you.” She grabbed the sides of my arms, never saying a word, just smiled her beautiful smile and started to fade. Again I said, “please don’t go” but she faded into twinkling lights. Some kind of aura was left, twinkling where she had stood.
I wasn’t sad anymore, I wasn’t scared, I felt a sense of peace I haven’t felt since she left us. And now I’m left to contemplate the meaning of that dream. Why did she come to me so realistically that I could not only see every feature of her face but touch her? What message was she trying to give me in her smile? Maybe she was trying to tell me, it’s okay, go on, live life, take risks, have no regrets. I believe that’s what she wants me to do. I miss you baby sis!
Conversations with Carli 