We All Have a Story…

…where does your’s begin?

As a society we are very self-centered. The scope of our personal relationships doesn’t typically extend beyond our “core” family and friends, our world revolves around them.

Sure we all have hundreds of people we count as acquaintances but we really only know a few, and only a few only really know us. And even then sometimes, do those people who are the closest to us, really know us, or do we keep things hidden deep inside our inner souls? Just for us.

If we really stopped and took the time to listen, we’d discover that everybody has a story. It’s what makes us unique, our own personal life story. No one else has it, just YOU!!!

I love listening to people’s story. It’s the reason I started this Blog in the first place. To capture in writing some of the stories I’ve encountered along life’s journey, be it a brief moment in time, or a history. Everybody has a story and if we just took the time to listen and understand, maybe we wouldn’t be so quick to judge, so critical, so dismissive.

One thing I can guarantee: YOU ARE FANTASTIC, just the way you are. Embrace that, and let’s hear your story. It’s worth telling!!!

Sunrise or Sunset?

Are you a sunrise or sunset person? A better way (at least to me) of saying: are you a morning or night person? Me, well I prefer the sunrise and a cool crisp morning with a hot cup of coffee. I get up early, and love fresh morning air to set the mood for the day. That said, I believe the sunsets make the better photo ops, but they both have their purpose and beauty.

The sun rises early over the desert and it’s really the only time of day you want to be outside. By mid afternoon the only things brave enough to be out are the little lizards which scamper from time to time across the backyard desert landscape. The creatures of the desert are fascinating & very different from the creatures who inhabit the mountain region where I grew up. Desert tortoises, road runners, lizards and I suppose large spiders & snakes which I’ve yet to see and hope I never do inhabit this region of the planet. Why do we fear them anyway? Oh right…because they slither & crawl and can hurt you really bad.

But at the end of the day, when we say goodnight to the sun and hello to the moon, haven’t we all just spent our allotted time co-existing on the same planet? We all have a purpose, even if we don’t understand each creatures true nature and reason for existing. The human creatures as well as the slithering kind, we are all here together in our own time and space, until we’re not.

So whatever you are, a sunrise or sunset person, breathe it in, enjoy the beauty & creatures of the planet around you & remember we’re all on it together.

Home

What does it mean to you to “go back home” after growing up and moving away? Is it a good idea? Does it bring you feelings of joy and contentment or does it derive a deep sense of sadness or anger? What’s your story?

I once had a counselor tell me that for me in particular, home would literally be wherever I was at the time. That I have an “uncanny” ability to detach myself from people, places and things and move on very easily. At the time I agreed with him. And for many years after as well. Or maybe I just agreed with him because it was easier. But looking back now, who tells someone that anyway.

Or is there some truth in what he was saying? I feel no attachment whatsoever to the where I grew up. Mostly because we moved a lot so I didn’t have time to form strong attachments. We didn’t move because we were poor, or running from anything, it was my parents jobs that took us places. We always had a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs, but I’m sure it wasn’t always easy for my parents to uproot and move 5 kids.

As we grew up, got married and moved on to our own lives, my sisters house on the ranch became “home.” I went back last week for the first time since she died, and “home” was definitely not the same with her gone. But in another way, it was more beautiful than ever. The grass, the pine trees and even the tree she called “Sigmond” were more lush than I have ever seen them, so maybe she’s trying to give us a sign from the other side, that it’s okay for life to go on and it’s beauty remains. I don’t know what will happen from here, but I do know that a small town in Idaho will always be “home” and my sister will be there, Resting In Peace, whenever I go visit. And I’ll drink wine at her gravesite & watch the sunsets because they, if nothing else, remain.

Clouds

Remember as children when you would lie down in the grass and find shapes in the clouds? Simple times back then in this world of change. Then along comes #coronavirus which has us all staying home & rethinking our lives. In our rush to get back to normal, is it time to stop and rethink which parts of “normal” are worth rushing back too?

Certainly we can take more time while continuing social distancing to enjoy the old simple ways of life. Materialism is a misnomer when what’s really important is family & health. You don’t need the biggest house on the block, or the nicest car, or the newest trends to wear. All you really need is to refocus priorities & ensure you are taking care of the important things first. What are those to you?

Let’s all stop 🛑 and refocus our collective energies on being kinder, gentler, & taking care of our fellow humans regardless of race, religion, gender, politics and take time to show your kids, grandkids and yourself how beautiful and amazing this world really is. How each day you wake up is another day to stop for a minute, look up into the heavens & enjoy the beauty and wonderment of, if nothing else, the shapes in the clouds. Let me know what shapes you see in these clouds.

Time…

Why does the death of a loved one make a person feel guilty for still living? Trying to “move on” and keep going everyday is a challenge and especially hard in challenging times. I feel guilty if I laugh, I feel guilty if I feel happy, I feel guilty that I can watch the sun rise and set while my sisters body lies in the cold hard ground. But at the same time, I feel fortunate I got to spend time with my sister before she passed and guilty I couldn’t be with her as she took her last breaths. Mostly, I feel sad all the time and try to hide it when others are around. Alone, I cry a lot.

My sister and I love country music but I find I can’t listen to it anymore because every song reminds me she’s not here and I cry again.

The other day I accidentally called her phone, she’s still in my favorites. I quickly hung up waiting to see if her husband or kids answered or worse, if it was “no longer in service”. It’s definitely too soon for that.

Today as I sit alone at home, I’m reminded of a quote by E.R. Pierce from “Fractured Moon”. “Time doesn’t heal all wounds, handy lie though it may be. Time forces acceptance of what cannot be changed.”

Maybe in time the guilt I feel now will subside, but I know the deep ache I feel in my heart will remain. 💖🦋 #OvarianCancer

The Last Sunset

Sunsets have always been a favorite part of going “home” to #mysistersplace. I’m a city girl myself but she loved the country. The farm they have boasts wide open spaces with sunsets to rival the Ocean. The last sunset I saw from her place was graced in beauty by a heard of Elk. Only fitting, I took it as a sign that she was being watched over by our brother who passed away in an elk hunting accident in 1985. Spring hasn’t come to life yet on the farm and winter sticks around in March but the sunsets remain the one constant in a world full of chaos. I hope my sister is enjoying the sunsets now, wherever she is. #RIP🙏🏼 #sunsets #home #family #ovariancancer #gonetoosoon #sister

Quality of Life

It’s a mystery to me why doctors of cancer patients say stopping #chemotherapy will give you a better quality of life, for the time you have remaining. My sister fell for this ploy and her quality of life sucked. She made the decision, with her Dr. & husband, to stop the chemo treatments on Feb. 13, 2020, she died on March 13, 2020.

In that final month she was bedridden, throwing up, could not keep anything down, was on oxygen, numerous pills and sleeping a lot. How is that a better quality of life? Hospice came in twice a week at the beginning and everyday the final week. Their job was to make her comfortable, primarily with drugs. Once they started giving her the morphine we knew the end was near. But at least the morphine afforded her some fun. She said she went to Hawaii and was on the beach, she also went to Italy and was drinking wine. To which we replied that she was the only one out and about in Italy because the country is in quarantine due to #CoronaVirus.

Do you believe in a body/spirit transition period? Where at times you are still of this earth, but your spirit can come and go? Or is it pure hallucinations due to the morphine? I choose to believe in the transition, because I want to believe my sister really did have fun before leaving this earth for good. Cheers, baby Sis!

#OvarianCancer #Sister #GoneTooSoon #Cheers #Wine #RIP #Death #Dying #Hospice